One week later...

Last Thursday night I almost called it quits. Richard was gone, Erin was gone and our new family members went a little crazy. By crazy, I mean they took turns...having fits. From 6pm - 8:50pm. Sheridan played in the living room with the quiet one while I tried to talk down, wrestle and subdue the upset one. It was a very trying night, and it challenged me so much I wondered if I had enough endurance to withstand any more nights like that. I talked to Richard as he travelled home from work, and I called a friend who has been in this place before. I cried through both conversations and finally put myself in bed with DVDs from the DHS on loving children of trauma. I waited until Richard got home to turn out the light and let him hold me so I could go to sleep.

The next morning I called their AS and let her know I wasn't sure what to do. She told me I needed to set boundaries, be consistent and let her know if she needed to make other arrangements for the kids. I told her I wanted to do this, and I just needed to let her know where we were.

So, with that in mind, I want to record what has happened since I picked them up from school today:
Richard is not in town, and Erin is at a swim meet all day in Siloam Springs. Me and the kids...
1) 3:20: Played basketball and rode scooters outside. (no fussing, no fighting, no screaming in the yard, and not even a skinned knee)
2) 4:30: Had a snack, then had "time alone." One child chose a bath, one child read on her own, and Cam played on his blanket in the living room with 2 toys, happily! I caught up on my emails and basked in the peace.
3) 5:20: After more than 30 minutes of time alone everyone came in for dinner, that everyone loved. Who knew they would love salad? And they want seconds of it!
4) 6:00: Next, we had "table time" where we all sat down with some kind of homework. Because one of the kids doesn't like getting work done, it's a great idea Richard came up with for the pressure to be off of one. Of course, Cam wanted to play, so it took him a little time to warm up to his notebook, but after we used the pointy pencil he got from school, he got into it and everyone got their work done in record time.
5) 6:35: Hide and Seek. Their choice. Since Cam is scared of monsters, there is a little delay when he is the seeker, but they worked it out and played until someone got a cramp hiding in the armoire.
6) Uno. Can't believe how many times we can play this game and they still have interest. Cam can play, and does well for a just-6 year old.
7) 7:00: Cam gets a bath and Sheridan takes a shower. Jordan catches a show on Disney.
8) While a movie plays, Cam plays a game on the couch, Jordan snuggles on the couch with me and Sheridan watches from a chair.
9) 8:05: Cam hugs the girls and requests a story. After reading about Jesus feeding the 5000, we say prayers, he reminds me he's afraid of the dark, and I shut the door. He's all quiet and asleep by 8:10. (5th day in a row)
10) The girls and I play more Uno.
11) 9:10: The girls brush their teeth and get in bed. I pray over them, kiss their heads and leave the room.

IT'S A HUGE DAY. Just one week after the worst night with the kids. I cannot find the appropriate words to describe the feeling I have right now. I'm wondering if I ran a marathon if I'd feel this way when I finished the 10th mile, or the 11th, or the half way point. I have no idea where I am in the race...but I pray we're facing forward for many more days to come.

The Glorious Unfolding

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

~Steven Curtis Chapman, Glorious Unfolding

Swimming at Home

LOVE LOVE our new community pool...especially hosting swim meets in town. We've gotten to watch Erin two weekends in a row, even timing at one event to help out.

 

The Truth: Day 24

Friends are either 1) ignoring us, 2) telling us we're "such good people," or 3) squeezing my hand, looking in my eyes and praying for us. Note: people who adopt need to have their hand squeezed, looked in the eye, and prayed for.

Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever done...and I was in labor with Ryan for 22 hours. I've also survived a failed business. I just thought those tested my faith. But no, they were drops in the bucket compared to the buckets of tears I have shed in the last 22 days.

This is what I know:
1. The children we have are in the best place they could be.
2. They have not been parented in the last 3 years, as far as we can tell.
3. Children who have not been parented have LOTS AND LOTS of defensive mechanisms that they use to protect themselves. (crying, arguing, fussing, screaming, lying, complaining, etc)
4. Children who have not been parented have very few skills that other children might have. (wiping their bottoms, taking showers, eating with a fork, making decisions)
5. Children who have not had sisters and brothers in a home (where they haven't been parented) don't know things other children might know. (how to share without a major altercation, how to play with others and not fight, how to say any positive words, how to lose a game without a major meltdown)
6. Children who haven't been in a healthy home love to play hide and seek, get lots of hugs, play at playgrounds, ride scooters and shoot baskets in the driveway, have snacks, sit close to others on a couch, look at pictures of themselves, and go to church.

My husband is the rock of our family. He has stayed strong on the days I could not hardly talk without choking up. He has taken shifts at bedtime when I did not think I could. He has talked at least one of our kids down from a major fit on the phone, when he was out of town and I was out of ideas. On all my weak days he has been strong. (Note:  Single parents...need their hands squeezed, looked in the eyes, and prayed for.)

I have asked myself a hundred times how parents parent if they don't have God. I have prayed over  our days and our nights, our bedtimes and their teachers, over their reaction to our dinners, and about their words and their minds a million times EACH DAY. The hope I have in Christ and His ABSOLUTE SOVREIGNTY is sometimes ALL I HAVE to keep moving.

From the children's point of view (of which I can only guess), they have been picked up and moved in with strangers. They are at a new home, in a new town, in new schools. Their new mom and dad make them sit up at the table, share toys, help them pick out clothes/shoes/hairdos every day. They are hearing "no" more than they've ever heard before. It seems silly and is frustrating everytime we say "no." (Whether it is to limit their ketchup intake, restricting their wii time, enforcing a bedtime, or keeping them inside on a 30 degree day) They're here to stay and their normal tactics aren't working, they are not getting their way and, they don't know if they can trust what we say.

Last Sunday in church we sang:
"On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay"

I've sung these words since I was a child...and I must tell you I've never felt them like I did standing with all 9 of our family on one row at church.

This morning we sang:
"All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough"
If God is enough, and I've always thought I believed that...and I CHOOSE to believe that TODAY...then why am I sick to my stomach with anxiety, and why would I think He will give me more than He can handle in my life? I'm making this song my mantra this week, I'll hum it all week and remember that HE IS ENOUGH for this situation and for me, and for these kids.

Quote of the Day

This morning Cameron said he didn't want eggs. I haven't offered them before, but Richard asked him why he didn't want them today. He says, "They have birds in them." That's a good reason not to eat eggs.

Woo hoo!

SUPER SUPER excited for Lauren...pulling a 4.0 for her first semester in college. She overcame an intimidating history professor and a non-English speaking pre-Cal professor to start her college career off well!

New Normal

This is my catchphrase, "We're finding our new normal." It's the most concise (and subtle) way I can cover what is going on in our home right now. We're in a learning mode, all of us, and it's hard work. I've made myself sick thinking and re-thinking every part of every day, just looking for things to improve on.

We have lots of things to celebrate:
1. 4 nights in a row with no crying at bedtime for Cameron
2. School is in session
3. A good weekend with middleM
4. The big kids are at college and doing well
5. Richard has been home since last Friday and will only be gone 1 1/2 days this week
6. The kids received most of their toys from their former placements
7. There are only 5-6 of us to feed this week for meals, 3 at lunchtime
8. Sheridan and I are back to normalcy during the day, homeschooling
9. The weather is looking up, and we can play outside
10. Sheridan keeps bouncing backs after setbacks
11. All the kids sleep at night
12. I have 2 people to talk to outside of Richard who understand
13. Scripture reading and praying has become a solid rock of security for me in the last 19 days

God is working a miracle here. It's hard, but it's going to be so worth it to see what He's going to do.

Blessings and Tears

We've now had Jordan and Cameron for 10 days. Honestly, it was a long 10 days, as school wasn't in session, we played ALL DAY LONG and were adjusting to strangers living with us. There are many high points: games played, laughter, tickle fests, and hugs. First Razorback Basketball game, playing with Trey, learning to play kickball at the church.

However, there are moments each day when the adjusting is hard on everyone. I'm learning to walk in faith like never before. Some of the feelings I have remind me of when Ryan was born, just looking into his face and wondering, "What have I gotten myself into?" "My life will never be the same!" I recognize those as early jitters in a big plan that God has for us. Waiting for Him to smooth over the rough places is hard but certainly worth it. I've become a woman who mumbles prayers all day long, and is choosing sleep over reading, dishes over resting, and I'm trying to smile through the tears of the little one at nighttime. I'm sure we're well on our way to victories...I must be more patient and content...words I say EVERY DAY to our newest little ones.

 

First Razorback Basketball game ever. No, first basketball game ever. He stood the entire first half staring at the players. The boy LOVES basketball.

2013 TOP TEN

New Years Day...9 people around the dining table. 4 days after we picked up bigM and littleM. We stayed to our tradition of making a top ten list of our highlights from the year. BigM got involved and made one too. It was touching and unexpected.  2013 has been a ride...and 2014 promises to be even crazier!!  (lists: BigM, Sheridan, Mom)